THE DIARY

THE DAY OF DIAGNOSIS, AND EVERY DAY AFTER

January 24

I have been to hospital today to have fluid drained from my abdomen. This has been caused by ovarian cancer. Today was the definitive diagnosis of the diagnosis of the disease. The fluid may return in the next week and then it will need to be done again. The decision is still to be made whether to proceed with major surgery to remove the ovaries and uterus plus any other affected area. This will also likely include part of the bowel leading to a stoma which may not be reversed. My case is grade 3 and is borderline in terms of chemotherapy first or surgery first whichever has a better outcome. It will be decided next Wednesday at a team meeting and then a plan will be actioned shortly afterwards. The cancer has spread through the abdominal cavity and is attached to the pelvis. There is no prediction about the outcome as yet.

Peter has been with me throughout and we are not discouraged as our trust is in the Lord and his goodness. Our faith is unshaken and we are reminded that “the righteous have no fear of bad news” as the bible says.

We deeply appreciate all the words of support we have received and the many acts of kindness. The future is uncertain but I am safe in the hands of the one who holds my future in His hand.

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January 25

I got a lovely get well card from my precious granddaughter today!

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January 26

What a day I have just experienced. It started with nausea and vomiting after having had a difficult evening the day before. Peter was very concerned about dehydration and weight loss as were Michael and Jonathan who came back home to see me. Stephen joined us in the hospital this morning and we had the most wonderful family time and I feel so blessed to have all the men round me. I have also had the kindest words and expression of support from the girls Rachael and Eve. Cancer is giving me such an outpouring of love from so many people inside and outside the family.

The next step to is to stabilise my fluids and to determine what kind of blockage is in my colon which is probably treatable. Also I had 3.5 litres of fluids drained from my stomach on Thursday but I have asked for further drainage as it is building up again. I will probably start chemotherapy shortly for 3 cycles followed up by surgery.

I am rejoicing in Christ that so many good gifts are coming my way from so many and I know that I am loved by my Father in heaven and my friends on earth.

January 27

This is me overjoyed to be speaking on FaceTime to my granddaughter Amelie. Also I am on a drip to replace liquids lost and the effects of the enema last night. That was necessary to remove a blockage in the colon and it seems to have worked. I hope to be able to take water soon but everything is nauseating just at the moment. Hospital is wonderful as I feel safe here compared to home where I was on a downward spiral. Jonathan has gone home but is coming back next weekend.

I have no idea when I will go home but I will need to be able to eat and drink first. Such simple things no longer seem so simple. Some sleep would be good too as last night I saw a lot of the bathroom. However overall I am full of joy for all the good things coming my way.

January 28

Today was another good day as I had the pleasure of having Michael here all day and Stephen for a very long visit. I have less nausea and I slept well last night. The morning visit from the doctor brought progress as he decided that I should be fed by a drip to get built up for the chemotherapy which will be aggressive and my hair will not last too long! Currently I have lost too much weight and the enema has taken a heavy toll as well. The wonderful blessing is that I have an en-suite bathroom which is perfect for this type of situation.

So many people are sending messages of love and support that I can hardly believe it. This means the world to me when I am so cut off from everyone. Everyone in my position needs this love and let me encourage all of you to make sure that all your friends in future in my position get the same. It is an amazing therapy.

There is the planned medical on Wednesday in the City Hospital but it seems that I will be staying here in the meantime. They will decide which part of my body they will use for the biopsy which will inform them about the type of cancer cells present and I assume that will determine the type of chemotherapy given. I am not thinking that far ahead yet as I have been just trying to survive so far due to all the sickness at home and for the first period of being here.

I still feel blessed in every way despite the cancer.

So wonderful to have Stephen and Michael with me today!

January 29

Today was all about getting ready for the next stage. My drip was designed to add electrolytes and then a separate one for vitamins. Late tonight I start the feeding through the drip. This will hopefully help me put on weight to be able to tolerate the chemotherapy which starts as soon as I am ready. I am definitely not able to eat any solid food so this is my only realistic way to get nutrition. Today I was checked to see if the swelling in the stomach area was gas or fluid. Because it is mostly gas there is nothing which can be done so I will not get any relief until the chemotherapy starts to work. If it had been fluid it could have been drained.

One positive development is that I need the toilet less as the enema has almost finished its work and perhaps tomorrow I will be able to dispense with the nappy which I have not worn for 60 years! The nausea is almost totally gone and I am looking forward to feeling stronger soon with the benefit of the food.

It will be a long journey for me and there will be many small and larger disappointments but I remain at peace knowing that I am cared for by my father in heaven. Michael has taken the whole week off work to be with me all day long and to meet my every need. He has been wonderful in every way and it has allowed Peter to do lots of communication as well as to attend to his business. Rachael will be leaving Australia soon to be here as well and it will be a delight to see her soon. It will be lovely to see her beautiful face again.

So many people keep sending fresh messages of love and support that I am daily uplifted as I have been since the start of this journey.

January 30

Not quite out of nappies yet but making good progress in that direction. The enema has been more powerful that I could have possibly expected. Today I have felt very tired but I assume that as I get more food intravenously my energy will improve. I am not discouraged by this as it is just part of the journey. Michael has been here all day and Peter is here tonight. Michael has been like an angel looking after my every need and giving me exercises to do to reduce muscle wastage.

I had a lovely FaceTime this afternoon with my dear 5 year old granddaughter Amelie today and she said she is praying for me every night.

This morning there was a conference at the City hospital where my case was discussed and it seems that chemotherapy will start when I am built up enough with intravenous food. I am trying to eat some non fibre food to keep my stomach working. I have been able to take a little food by mouth without feeling sick although I still have no appetite partly due to the swelling in my stomach.

The food I am taking intravenously is a perfect cocktail for me and has been prepared very scientifically for my exact needs. The NHS is wonderful at times like this. I still have no idea how long I will be here as the concern is to get adequate nutrition and at present this has to be mainly by the artificial feeding which needs to be carried out here.

I am continuously blessed by all the prayers on my behalf and the cards and messages sent to me. I am also looking forward to seeing Stephen tomorrow and Jonathan is coming back from London at the weekend too.

January 31

Here is one of my favourite songs which I have just heard and I just love the illustrations to this song. I am so thankful that Jesus Christ died for me and gave me his righteousness. The words say it all.

LYRICS:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But holly trust is Jesus’ name
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But holly trust is Jesus’ name Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior’s love
Through the storm
He is Lord
Lord of all
When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veilChrist alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior’s love
Through the storm
He is Lord
Lord of all
He is Lord
Lord of all, Christ alone
Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior’s love
Through the storm
He is Lord
Lord…

January 31

It is harder to get out of nappies than you might imagine in the aftermath of the enema. Hopefully I will graduate tomorrow. The good news is that if there is any obstruction in my colon it is not serious. In addition to being fed artificially I have eaten a little food but I am not allowed any fibre incase it would cause an obstruction.

One complication is that 2 hospitals are involved in my care and it will become more clear in the next few days. I am in a general ward in the Ulster but I will probably be moved to a gynaecology ward but the lead in my treatment is to be taken by the Belfast City hospital. They are considered to be a centre of excellence for cancer so the actual chemotherapy will happen there. They also want to speed up my treatment but they will need a biopsy and it has proved difficult to obtain. They may need to proceed without that information.

On a practical level both arms have attachments for tubes and I hope to get a new one in my neck area so that my hands will be free. I am also scheduled to have some of the fluid round my stomach drained to make me more comfortable and eating easier. I have started doing some walking to build up fitness which has been quite challenging.

The cards keep coming and all of them bring encouragement as do the good wishes and prayers of so many. Although I feel quite weary and tired and have some uncomfortable swelling all of that does not dampen my hope and trust in God.

February 1 

The last 24 hours have been very tough for me and I wondered how I was going to move forward. I have been so immensely helped by my son Michael from Glasgow who has been with me all week and receiving visits from Stephen. This has really helped me to keep going having their support and care. But symptoms have been intensifying and I have really found it difficult and wondered how the weekend would unfold. So many many folk are praying and I really do believe prayer was answered this afternoon when I was told late this afternoon that the diagnosis has finally come through and it is ovarian cancer. This was identified from the liquid drained off last week. They now know what chemo cocktail to make up and the chemo will start next Wednesday. I will be taken to the City hospital for this and treated as an inpatient. Normally it is an outpatient treatment but because of not being able to eat recently, they will keep me in hospital.
So the focus over the next few days is to build up my strength and deal with the increasing discomfort I have been experiencing these past few days. The nutrition drip is sufficient to build me up so I do not have to eat anything additional. I am now receiving palliative care to treat the symptoms while I await the chemo next week. So I feel a relief now.

February 1

I cannot tell you what strength and encouragement it has been to receive such outpouring of love and good wishes from everyone at this unexpected challenging time. It has meant more to me than I can express.

February 2

Sharon Yarr shared a memory.

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February 2

Today has been a very good day indeed. My wonderful friend Heather Todd came to the hospital to wash and blow dry my hair. She also went shopping to get me 2 new tops which are ideally suited to work in hospital. She also gave me a beautiful scarf. Jonathan arrived from London as a bonus and he is coming back again next week end with his delightful fiancé Kristina. The following weekend I will see our daughters Rachael and Eve.

Yesterday the anti sickness drug was changed for the better and I have a syringe driver implanted to deliver a steady supply of all necessary medicine. There is a steroid included now and I think it has given me a boost of energy. Peter says I have been transformed today and I have been able to easily go for a walk. My worry now is that I may not sleep tonight but that is a very good problem compared to recent days.

This week coming will see changes as I move to the City hospital and start chemotherapy which will lead to hair loss and the usual other issues. However I am delighted to start it as the Ulster Hospital were not prepared to begin until I become stronger and able to feed myself. This week they did not have any beds but now one has become available and I feel so blessed to benefit from their willingness to keep me there for the whole time and fed intravenously while having the chemotherapy.

While I do know that I am in a life and death situation that is not my dominant thought. I have multiple blessings coming from so many directions. Beyond all of this I know that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and all of my journey is in His hands.

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February 3

After a really good day yesterday last night I got little sleep due to general discomfort. This was despite the usual medication but sadly it was not very effective. This morning morphine was added but surprisingly the paracetamol which was topped up seemed to make the greatest difference. The very bloated stomach is pushing my organs into an uncomfortable position and pushes the contents of my stomach out of place creating reflux. I have tablets for this too.

It has been an emotional day for me today. This has been one of those days when just standing still emotionally is a victory! I have felt very weak and a bit stressed but not depressed as I have inner peace and have a sense that all is well but definitely not easy. I am learning that every day is a journey and it has many twists and turns but I know I will find Gods mercy round each corner. While I still pray for healing I also have to deal with the daily reality of the condition of my body. Today has definitely been a struggle for me and I wondered how I would get through but I am hoping that tomorrow morning I will get fluid drained which should bring me the relief I need before chemo.

Jonathan was here this morning and it was an emotional farewell but he intends to come back from London every weekend to see me. Michael will be back as much as he can given his family responsibilities. Stephen is on the phone a lot and comes from Coleraine as much as he can. Then all the people sending messages always means so much. Peter is getting wonderful support with meals being provided etc. I continue to draw strength from that deep inner knowledge of Gods love.

February 4

Today was a day of two distinct parts. The morning was not good as I vomited having not eaten anything significant for days. Apparently my bowel is blocked due to the pressure from all the bloating. The solution was thought to be a further drainage of the abdominal area. However when I had the ultrasound scan it became apparent that there was very little fluid and there was a high danger of punchering the bowel. This was a very big disappointment as I was extremely uncomfortable due to the swelling and had been hoping for several days that something could be done surgically. This was not to be and I had to accept it and believe that somehow there would be grace to carry on regardless.

The nurse who was looking after me then reviewed the medication I was receiving and it was decided to change some of the pain relief and this has worked to a degree I have not anticipated at all. I have been so blessed with the relief I have received this evening and I feel energised and ready to face chemotherapy. I am still on track to transfer to the city hospital on Wednesday and I assume the chemotherapy will begin then.

I have been reading a book today about healing which is rich with verses from the Bible of Gods promises for healing and I am finding this very faith building. 
The doctors here have been extremely cautious about making any predictions regarding my illness. While this is frustrating it is understandable given the fact that I have a complex illness with many different aspects to it.I am depending on the goodness of God to see me through but I am also believing that the skill of the doctors which is God-given is part of that provision.

February 5

I was so touched and blessed when these children from an orphanage in India sent me their greetings and prayers. Pastor Ratnam looks after this orphanage. It is in Vellatur, Guntur District, Andrah Pradesh , India .

The children in the video were saying these words of a song:

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There’s nothing my God cannot do
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty
There’s nothing my God cannot do
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty
There’s nothing my God cannot do
The mountains are his
The rivers are his
The skies are his handy works too
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty
There’s nothing my God cannot do

February 5

The good news is that I have increased my weight by around 6 kg since coming into hospital. I do feel extremely uncomfortable with the mass of fluid and gas and inflamed bowelThe bad news is that it seems to be around my legs and stomach which is not exactly where I would ideally like it to be. However I am receiving excellent nutrition through the drip which nourishes me directly into my veins most of the day.

However all of this extra weight does give me discomfort it is hard to know if it is the weight itself or the pressure which are puts on everything else around my stomach. I take several medications but the most effective is morphine which makes the whole situation much more tolerable.thank God for modern medicine!

Tomorrow is moving day to the City hospital and the start of chemotherapy assuming they have a spare bed which was not the case today. Being here has helped me to see the pressure in the NHS and I appreciate all those who play any part in making it function as well as it does. When I move I hope to get a better idea of the prognosis for me since they are the specialists for cancer.

I feel that I am living in two parallel realities one being the very serious health situation which I confront each day and the truth that God is on his throne and I am safe in his arms. I would love to come through this ordeal and have some good years of life. Equally if that is not to be the case I intend to die well knowing that my future is secure and that there is a perfect home for me. Either way I cannot lose but in the meantime I have never had so many people express love and support to me and it often brings me to tears. I am so very blessed to be cared for like this.

I slept well last night and I would love to have exactly the same restful sleep tonight.

I am praying for a bed in city hospital tomorrow.

February 6

I just got confirmation that I am going to city hospital today by ambulance. So thankful. Answer to prayer.

February 6 

Just arrived at city hospital and am in ward 3B in cancer centre in a room of my own! I am so grateful.

February 6

This afternoon I was transferred from the Ulster hospital to Belfast city hospital where I will get all my treatment. I am so relieved to have moved onto the next stage now. I have a room of my own which I am so thankful for. I’m afraid Sharon never travels light as you can see from the photos!! Some things never change!!

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February 6

Sharon Yarr shared a photo.

Four years ago with my dear mum out for afternoon tea in Belfast

February 7

I had a good nights sleep last night here in the city hospital. The nursing staff couldn’t be kinder or more compassionate with me. I am deeply comforted by the song “Be Still” by Hillsong. My lovely son Stephen came to visit me this morning and we are having a very precious time together. 
It looks like I start my course of chemo on Monday or Tuesday probably once a week for six weeks to start with. I am continuing on full nutrition drip as I am only able to consume small amounts of fluid. 
I have amazing friends who are helping me to get clothes sorted for the long haul in hospital and getting foot massages for my swollen feet. I continue to marvel at the love of so many and I heard that many of my friends met together to pray for me. My dear mum at 91 is strong and praying for me. I am so aware of the deep unchanging unwavering love of Jesus Christ. What amazing reassurance that we can have a personal living relationship with the Creator of our galaxies through His son Jesus Christ. He hears the cries of our hearts and shows His love to me through wonderful loving family, friends and the medical team.

February 8

Well today was a hard one for me. I just couldn’t get relief from the tension and tautness in my abdomen and had great difficulty walking to the bathroom and back. It was all getting too much. 
Peter was with me this morning as we waited to meet with the senior oncologist who would be supervising my chemo treatment. She was such a gracious kind lady. She decided I should go ahead today and get some fluid drained from my abdomen to give me some relief. I was so glad that they decided to do this as I didn’t know how I could continue with this internal pressure increasing. 
Then my chemo will start on Monday or Tuesday once a week for 6 weeks to start off with. 
I had lovely visitors today and much tender love communicated to me. I had prayer that my drainage procedure would be successful as there are risks with this. I got more foot and leg massaging which brought comfort. 
Finally at 3:30 pm My bed was wheeled into a room where the surgeon set up my drainage and it proceeded well. I got 4 and a half litres drained. I felt relief although still abdominal pain but I can cope with that.
So as I get ready to sleep tonight I am deeply thankful for the medical provision I received today to keep me going. 
My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth and he neither slumbers nor sleeps but watches over me continually. 
Psalm 121

February 9

I have had my family this weekend visiting me: Michael from Glasgow and Jonathan and Kristina from London. They have been massaging my feet and legs and Kristina did my makeup which has made me feel so much better! I am having difficulty walking and feel pretty immobile. So all this hands on has helped me so much. God is providing for all my needs.

February 10

My son Stephen from coleraine came To visit me this morning shortly afterwards followed by my other two sons Michael and Jonathan and Jonathan’s fabulous fiancée Kristina. Kristina did my makeup while Jonathan and Michael massaged my legs and stephen showed childhood photos of holidays we had together. What a precious time this was. In the meantime I had two more litres of fluid drained from my abdomen. I was very comforted by their presence and had some visitors who were friends and later my mum came to visit. I am truly surrounded by love. a dear friend sent me the most beautiful willow tree ornament which is called “surrounded by love”. It is photographed below. 

This is a tough journey to follow as I seem to get weaker by the day and less able to walk.despite all this I am choosing to have joy and remember Gods good gifts to me: a very caring nursing staff
The most loving adoring family
Many many amazing friends
The best husband in the world 
I have no fear
Jesus is with us in this storm
God my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally and cares for me watchfully.

1 Peter 5:7 Amplified Bible, 
7Casting the [a]whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.

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February 11

Life doesn’t get much better than this when Kristina is doing my makeup and Michael is massaging one leg and Jonathan massaging the other!!

February 11

Today I have had angels of mercy visiting me- I got a very good foot massage and my makeup done which all aids me on the journey. I had a visit from another dear friend who was with me when I started to vomit but that was brought under control very quickly. She read passages from the bible which lifted my spirits. Then my brother and sister in law called in to see me which was so heartwarming to see them. I was then honoured by a visit from Deirdre and Barry Douglas who is hardly home from concert tours for more than half a day and it felt like I was visited by royalty! Then I had dear friends from thriving life church calling in to see me. What a stream of ministering angels. I also had a visit by a physiotherapist who provided me with a Zimmer frame so that I could walk down the corridor and keep myself mobile. Then the palliative care doctor came to see how much more they could relieve pain. This was followed by Dr McKenna who is overseeing all my treatment and she told me that I would definitely start chemo tomorrow. What relief! I. Quite a full and blessed day but am very tired now. Finally tonight Peter and I had the delight of another visit from 2 girls we have known for very many years and our parents all knew each other since our fathers were Methodist ministers.

This wonderful day has been full of yet more things to be thankful for. I can hardly take it all in and I am definitely experiencing sheer delight while facing a disease which is fatal longer term. However today was a joy for me and I have no complaints at all!

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February 12 

I had a reasonably comfortable day today free from pain and tightness of abdomen. I managed to shower and do my own makeup but it all took such a long time. I had a good doze before my brother Clive and my mum arrived early afternoon. They stayed with me while I was getting set up for chemo treatment. The very treatment that sounded such a challenge for me to endure ended up full of grace and no unpleasantness. I had a dear friend sitting with me through the actual infusion of chemo and all went well. I am so grateful for answered prayer that God will give me grace and sustain me. We are safest in the loving arms of Jesus who loves each one of us and died so we could have his life and his There is evidence everywhere of his love and goodness if we would just allow him to show us. All fear of death goes away.

It was the first day to get my new Zimmer up and running and it is amazing. I was not able to walk as the large swelling in my stomach due to fluid meant I was bent over. Over the weekend I had 14 litres of fluid drained but it keeps coming! The chemotherapy should help reduce it I hope. Still the Zimmer allows me to lean forward without falling and it is a life changer!

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February 13 

I had a bad night last night with a lot of pain from which I was unable to get any relief . So this morning I was taken for an X-ray. I was transported on my bed to have my abdomen checked for any obstruction but none was found. The pain thankfully subsided by 7.00am. It remains a mystery how my pain was caused but it has not been evident all day. What a pleasant relief!
A doctor came to see me and asked if I would be happy to answer questions from 6 medic students which I was happy to do as I was so relieved tha pain was over. I had a lot of lovely visitors through the day but have to be very careful not to come near anyone with any infection as I am quite vulnerable to infection now that chemo has started. 
I am so deeply grateful to all of you who send me messages , cards, gifts, warm wishes passed on to etc etc that I am truly blown away by all the love- surrounded by love. I have no stress at all but just the challenge of managing my symptoms and trying to stay mobile as far as possible. The new Zimmer continues to be a game changer as it allows me independence of movement which was impossible before it arrived. 
Tonight was very exciting with the arrival of our daughter,Rachael who has come home from Australia to visit me. She was due back at Christmas but cut her time short when she heard I was ill. She is such a beautiful wonderful girl and she will be here indefinitely. Yet another in the catalogue of blessings which have come my way.

February 14

My lovely son Jonathan and his delightful fiancée Kristina will come to visit me tomorrow for the weekend. I am bathed in love.

February 14

Today the physiotherapist had me walking and doing some exercises which have been quite a challenge and I did not achieve all that was hoped for. This is a big change for me as I always manage to rise to physical challenges and normally have spare energy. It is humbling to come up short physically and to have to carefully manage my limited energy. Although the chemotherapy started on Tuesday it may be approximately 2 more weeks before I feel the benefit from it in terms of shrinking the cancer.

However outweighing the constant weakness was the sheer joy of spending time today and last night with our daughter, Rachael, who abandoned her stay in Australia to come home to see me. She is multi talented and did a wonderful job massaging my swollen legs along with Peter who does his best but does not really have her technique. Tomorrow Eve arrives home for the weekend from university so I have that to look forward to as well. This is in addition to the friends who visited today and their consideration and love fed my soul and made it a very special day full of joy. It is hard to take in all these good things which keep coming my way. I continue to receive such loving cards with uplifting warm wishes and expressions of prayer. I believe with all my heart that God our Heavenly Father hears the faintest prayer uttered.

There was a setback yesterday because my potassium was elevated so all feeding through the drip was stopped to correct this problem. The sodium level was too low so I had a drip with sodium only and no food which I really need to build up my strength. These are the little trials which come along with cancer and it is my chance to prove the reality of God’s peace in my heart. Every day has multiple complexities such as trying to get a new vein for blood samples and especially IV medication but there were 8 failed attempts. Although it is frustrating I am growing in patience and am discovering Heavenly provision in situations I never would have chosen.

February 15 

I had a peaceful sleep last night. My veins have had enough of needles going into them to find a route for a cannula which would be used for my IV medicines as well as the chemo. They had had enough by last night. I sent a prayer request out to many to give doctors wisdom for me to know the long term solution to endless changing cannula. I didn’t know how I could go on for weeks of this. Answer to prayer- the PICC line I had inserted into a big vein had 2 outlets and the medical team were informed today from the PICC line specialists that everything can be done through it. What a mercy- no more needles and cannula. What a relief. Jonathan and Kristina arrived this morning from London and our two foster daughters Rachael and eve joined us and both massaged my feet. My brother and sister in law called as well as other friends. What a full morning but very blessed. The physio came to get me up and walking- I feel extremely weak today. However I am so thankful I did not experience horrible symptoms from the chemo thanks to much prayer and loving support. The medical team here in the City Hospital are excellent and are very understanding. I continue to be encouraged by the provision I am getting for my current situation. Meals keep coming to peter which he is enjoying very much. Quite a standard for me to have to live up to when I am back cooking again!

February 16

I had another peaceful night’s sleep again. I thought about Psalm 121 this morning as I love looking out my window and seeing Cavehill. Here is the Message translation which is so beautifully written about our Creator who loves us personally. This psalm was sung by pilgrims going up to Jerusalem to worship God in the temple and travelled by day and night in rough terrain.

Psalm 121:
1-2 I look up to the mountains;
does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
3-4 
He won’t let you stumble,
your Guardian God won’t fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel’s
Guardian will never doze or sleep.
5-6 
God’s your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.
7-8 
God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always.

February 16

Sharon Yarr shared a post

February 16

In this family no one fights alone!

February 16 

Went out for a refreshing walk this morning

February 16

Having Jonathan and Kristina and Rachael and Eve with me today was very comforting. Their presence helped me a lot. I enjoyed getting outside in the fresh open air today on a wheelchair just even to get my bearings. The other nice development was the delivery of a new bed mattress which will help to avoid bed sores by regularly moving underneath me like a wave.
I feel very bloated today and very weak and my legs are so full of fluid and I trust I will get some more fluid drained from my abdomen on Monday. I am finding the journey getting tougher but I listened to a beautiful song ,a new version to me ,of the lords my shepherd and the familiar 23rd psalm words just melted me and touched my heart with hope. I will post the song as soon as I can find it on YouTube. God always gives me something to keep on going with. His mercies are certainly new every day.

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February 17

I am so thankful that I am able to sleep during the night although I waken once or twice but able to go over again. I am getting a build up of fluid again which I’m finding challenging and burdensome but I am getting relief from painkillers which thankfully haven’t made me cloudy in my mind. I enjoyed Jonathan and Kristina’s company this morning and such a blessing to have them with me along with peter. Rachael and eve joined us in the afternoon and gave me comforting spa treatment with foot and leg massage. Had visit from good friends and peters brother Johnston came to take Jonathan and Kristina to the airport for home in London.
I managed to walk up and down the corridor about 4 times this afternoon which is tough going but I pushed through. I am continuing to be encouraged by lovely messages and cards and shared songs that help my faith in Christ and to feel and be reassured of his love despite all that’s happening to me. I seem to be wasting away from the waist up and getting pretty gross from the waist downl! However I trust the chemo will do its job hitting the cancer and I trust in Gods Help. It does my heart good to recall the lovely greetings by those dear orphans from Vellaturu in the Guntur district of Andhra Pradesh of south India as they say hello mummy sharon we are continually praying for you!

My new bed continues to be a great help although not everyone finds this type of bed to be of assistance to them. Because of the extra fluid and discomfort I needed the morphine but my mind is still very clear and I have absolutely no negative side effects from it nor from the chemotherapy as yet. However I barely recognise my own body and I need help with the simplest of tasks. Despite this weakness I am determined to try to look my best every day by getting my makeup on and keeping the room as tidy and everything as well managed as possible including my husband who still needs help. Deep down I am at peace and have no fear of the future as I will never be alone.

February 18

Tomorrow tuesday will be my second round of chemo. My son and wife from Glasgow will come and be with me and they are bringing their two daughters one who is 5 and one who is 10 months. It will be the first time seeing the granddaughters since Christmas and it will be a very special family time. So I won’t be able to see other visitors tomorrow with the combination of family time and having my chemo regime.

February 18

The challenge tonight is that I was supposed to get my nutrition drip (TPN) up and running at 6:00pm but the nurses discovered that the prescription did not match what the nutrition team had prescribed for me. It looks like I would just be on a fluids hydration drip overnight. But this would be a third night out of 10 of no nutrition and I can’t afford to lose more calories. I am waiting for a doctor to come and discuss this with me to decide whether to risk a wrong prescription or just take fluids. I am just choosing to trust Gods guidance and intervention so that I will be ok for the chemo starting tomorrow. A lovely children’s song is in my mind now- with Jesus in the boat I can smile at the storm. 
This is an unnecessary error in admin but I need to remember that overall is Gods controlling hand and my life is in His hands and my times are in His hands. I am asking you for prayer that this will get resolved so that I can get nutrition to night.

February 19 

Today started with a problem which was that I had not been fed due to confusion about the prescription for the drip. I was given some glucose to compensate for the lack of nutrition and my chemotherapy was delayed since it was not clear that I was able to tolerate it. I saw a new consultant who explained that my symptoms are serious and in the past few years they have only attempted to treat 2 patients with a condition like mine. The rest were not offered chemotherapy but they thought in my case it was worth a try due to my high level of fitness and my mental attitude.

That was certainly sobering to hear and I was a little tearful but I said to the doctor that I was not afraid to die as my total trust is in Christ whose name I spell with a capital C but cancer with a small one. However now I am aware that death is right in front of me and the doctors really have little hope for much progress while I do continue to lose weight and need ever stronger medication for the pain. I did sleep well last night when the medication had been sorted out and I seem to be able to be comfortable in the bed.

Some wonderful things did happen starting with our daughter Rachael doing my make up and a very close friend doing my hair as I had a very important visitor. My beautiful granddaughter Amelie and her little sister,Madeleine, came with Michael and Hannah for a visit and it was a sheer delight. Zach who is 2 1/2 years old was left safely at home as he is a ball of energy and unsuited to hospital visiting. The love and fun we had was priceless. I am also reassured to have Rachael home from Australia to look after the house as that is not Peter’s speciality.

In order to relieve some of my symptoms a tube has been inserted through my nose into my stomach to drain fluid and this has made a small improvement although ideally they had hoped to extract some gas as well but that has not happened. Michael has been here most of the day and he has been a massive help talking to the doctor and generally looking after me. Tonight Rachael and Peter are here so I feel loved and as blessed as I could imagine. I am so touched that Rachael left Melbourne just to come here to be with me.

As I watch my body decline I am not depressed as the things that matter are stronger than ever namely my friendships, family relationships,my sense of inner peace and the knowledge that Christ has me in his loving arms. I believe that death is a transition to eternal life and it is not the end. I still would love to have a miracle but that is not where my hope is since we all have to face this road some day.

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February 20 at 10:35 PM

Last night I got some sleep despite having a tube running into my throat to drain surplus fluids from my stomach. After a slow start last night the fluid has drained quite well today. It seems to be a green colour and it is definitely better removed. All of this problem is caused by a bowel obstruction brought in by the cancer. The good part was that I was pain free all night.

This morning I saw our two delightful granddaughters (5 and 10 moths) from Scotland along with Michael and Hannah. This gave me great joy and they all left late afternoon. Hannah who is an oncologist physio was a great help with my needs today. She is a wonderful blessing to me and lovely to have some quality time with her. Then I had other visitors including my brother, Clive and sister in law Fiona. I feel quite overwhelmed with this outpouring of kindness and love everywhere. Rachael was also here with Peter this evening. She has such a gift with engaging with children. She is a total natural and I love watching her.

After some debate it was decided that I was fit to have my second session of chemotherapy earlier today which lasted about half an hour. There are no ill effects so far but it is early to be sure and there is no pain but it is strange having a tube inserted down my throat and into my stomach.

Finally I cannot overestimate the value of the cards ,emails and messages of support which continue to be sent. I would love everyone in future who faces the challenge of cancer to be helped in the same way. I can testify that the genuine expressions of love and concern go a long way to counteract the ravages of malignant cancer. The staff here in the City have been compassionate and extremely helpful

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February 20 at 10:54 PM 

My mum had a visit today from her great granddaughters too!

February 21 at 10:39 PM 

Last night was difficult for me as I felt so uncomfortable having a tube up through my nostril and down through the throat into my gut. My throat felt sore and I longed to be free of it and it did keep me awake during the night. Next morning I was so relieved that the doctor agreed to remove the piping as very little fluid was being drained and was not really bringing me relief. A dear friend then was able to give my face a good cleanse and renewed makeup. I also had feet massaged. In fact I have had many foot massages all day long- a well pampered lady!

I had numerous visitors today along with my dear Stephen, my mum, brother Clive, Peter, sister in law Fiona Yarr and nephew Harry. I am not mentioning friends names deliberately and just family names. I have been overwhelmed by the enormous weight of love being outpoured. Friends prayed for me. I have the privilege of being able to say goodbyes which not everyone gets to do.

Stephen set up a FaceTime with the orphanage in Vellaturu, India and they were all sitting ready to hear from me and sang a song to me and waved energetically greeting me. The love expressed from them all was deeply moving and heartwarming. Isn’t technology remarkable that we can communicate across the globe!

In the afternoon a doctor met with Peter,stephen and me to discuss the future in terms of CPR if my heart fails. I asked for no action to be taken since I would rather depart then rather than just try to stay alive for the sake of it. I have thought about this before but the reality is something different especially with close family nearby. I shed a few tears but I am on a journey and death is just a transition to something much better.

The doctor explained that my bowel could perforate at any time and the risk has been increased with the chemotherapy. The expectation is that the chemotherapy will not work and that if there is no bursting of the bowel I could have a few weeks left to live. These are the facts which I have had to absorb and I am still at peace although sad. The doctor was very sensitive in how she dealt with me and we all thanked her for that. 
Peter and I have shared some of our many happy memories and in between Peter has been planning a funeral for an elderly lady he looks after who passed away this evening.

However every day is a good day with more to be thankful for. I got a big surprise when Jim Corr sent me a copy of their latest album with a beautiful message written on it. I have never met anyone from that singing group but he had heard about my illness and wanted to show his support.

I almost feel that I can hardly handle so much love and everyone involved in any way with my situation has been so wonderful. I see this as the love and provision of God. The overall position is bleak but every day is a good day.

February 24 at 6:58 AM 

This was meant to be posted last night Saturday 23 February and I fell asleep before doing it!! Here goes again at 7.00am Sunday morning-

I missed doing an update last night as I had a steady stream of visitors from 10:00am until 11:00pm last night and was ready to fall asleep! It’s been a great blessing to see everyone but no I need to catch up now!!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases 
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning new every morning
Great is thy faithful love oh lord to me.
Yet another day packed with blessings and kindnesses!

I had a good sleep the night before with much better pain control. I developed a cough but great to have a nebuliser that works well and brings a comfortable relief. 
On Friday I had lovely friends who did makeup and foot massage and a visit from the the chaplain and a couple of other ministers. I had a visit from my dear mum and she prayed with me and is bearing up well. I had an amazing flow of lovely friends calling in – I cannot say how happy I am as I don’t feel pain now and although I am a bit sleepy I am so clear in my mind and blessed and at peace. God is giving me a quality of life that is a gift and I enjoy hearing all the good things everyone is enjoying and trying to help Peter work out how to make some of his meals! I have a lot to answer for that Peter can hardly boil an egg. Trying to to play catch up up here.

I had a good nights sleep with minimal disturbance through the night. I had my makeup done again in morning and more visitors arrived and I found all of this energising. However I also know that when they leave it is probably goodbye for ever in this life and that is emotional. I have this daily experience of deep sadness while the more powerful reality is knowing I am loved by God and endlessly supported by all these kind visitors. The staff here say they have never ever seen so many visitors arriving to see a patient and it is quite a talking point here.

Actually there is much more laughter than sadness especially when we are all trying to work out all the new things that Peter needs to learn how to do. It is amazing how humour can help on the journey and overall this has been quite a fun day. This is despite some symptoms which get a little worse each day like the swelling in my legs and pressure in the bowel. Today for the first time I could see water pushing through my skin from the inside. It is strange to see your legs leaking water!

Every day is precious and satisfying as they are all full of good things despite the context illness. I know that I have not got very long and if the bowel perforated it will be very short. That makes all the happy times even more precious.

In proverbs 31 I want to echo this verse:
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

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February 24 at 10:54 PM 

Today started with a bang when Peter sent me a message to say that I had suddenly gone quiet with Facebook the day before. I realised I had fallen asleep last night without sending out the thoughts I had already typed. Once I got washed and organised a lovely girl came to do my nails as they needed to be replaced. One benefit of cancer is that gel nails last a long time due to no housework so the ones I was wearing still looked lovely but my nails had grown too long. All that housework is hard on nails and there is no housework of any kind here!

Peter received a lovely email from friends who were on holiday in South Africa and brought even more encouragement to me. I am surprised that so many people seem to be interested in my journey and so I will keep sharing the whole truth both good and not so easy each day as long as I have the strength. My other hope is to make the very best of my appearance each day with my skincare and make up. Even if it makes no difference to anyone else I want to make the very most of every day I have left and for me that includes my self care. Peter would prefer that I do not put myself through this extra work but I have friends to help me with hair and makeup and Peter is still learning about women as well.

Today saw the usual caring visitors and Jonathan who comes every weekend from London. I want to add a special word about our foster daughter Rachael who is here every day having come home from Australia. We decided we should go down this route ten years ago to help a family and definitely not looking for anything in return. Now we are getting back an abundance of love and help from her and mainly because I have peace of mind that Peter is being fed and the house looked after as well. Never could I have planned for this but I see it as more evidence that I am provided for from above. Our other foster daughter is coming over from Scotland on Monday evening.

I was only able to walk once down the corridor as my legs are rubbing together due to the vast amount of fluid they contain. It was exhausting and I was breathless afterwards. However despite a failing body and all of the morphine my mind is still good and I have started to plan my memorial church service. Since my body will be donated to science there is no pressure with time so it is a very interesting exercise. Peter has taken notes and no doubt the plan will evolve depending on how much time is left.

I love the staff here and I have just received my nightly drugs and my food is dripping into my veins as it does each night. Also I have just coloured in a C S Lewis Narnia book with some of the profound statements which need to be highlighted. Adult colouring in is new to me and I doubt if I ever could have started it without the time here in hospital. Yet again a lovely day full of great people and plans made! Here below is a lovely drawing made for me today by 7 year old Caleb.

February 25 at 7:05 PM

I miss dear Jadon

February 25 at 9:06 PM

I slept well last night despite forgetting to put my eye shield on as I drifted speedily over to sleep. I was going to listen to music but that didn’t even happen! So at 5:00 am I awoke feeling very sore in my right salivary gland. It felt as though I was having mumps again which I had at 14 years of age. It’s rare now because of MMR vaccine but I had just flown from Zimbabwe (Rhodesia then) and some of my school friends had mumps and I brought it all the way from Zimbabwe to to Northern Ireland.!
Anyway that was not such a good start to school in NI but I do recall watching hours of tennis on TV where I learnt a lot. That’s all by the way! 
I asked for pain relief which was granted quickly. Then after much dozing my lovely team of ladies arrived to do washing cleansing moisturising makeup etc. Then my dear friend who does my hair came to blow dry and set my hair and my feet were soaking in a detox spa bath while I had hair done. Then just as I was finishing off Robin Mark and his lovely wife Jacqueline arrived for a visit. He gave me a copy of his latest CD he recorded called Robin Mark Belfast Symphony love with the new Irish choir and orchestra which is the most beautiful recording of his music I have heard. It brought tears of joy to me! God is uplifting me to greater heights than I could ever imagine possible.

I have decided to start to give my possessions away now so that I can experience the joy of giving rather than missing that joy by leaving everything in my will. I started with my most precious possession, my grand piano. It took several years to find a piano I really liked and it was like a family member to me. Now it is gone and the furniture removers will take it away shortly. I have a plan for all my clothes to go and have asked a friend to coordinate that project. I am working my way through personal items and would like to die with nothing of much significance. If I am wonderfully healed as I still have not given up hope of then I can buy a whole new wardrobe and a new upright piano! Finally my wonderful music manuscripts which have taken 45 years to accumulate are on their way too. I had enough material for a small library and I trust they will be of great value in their new homes.

All of this shows me what matters in life. I have been trying to clear the house for some time with limited success but now it is very easy for me. Yet one more benefit of cancer! Peter is a big fan of a leading investor called Warren Buffet and he keeps his photo in the office in his desk. For many years he was the richest man in the world. He has challenged all the billionaires in the world to give away half their assets before they die so I am in the race to achieve 100% success. He also said that he defines success as being loved the most by the people who know you the best at the end of life. My family and friends have made me a billionaire many times over by that measure.

Today has been another good day and I cannot feel any decline in my health which I do feel most days. At home I never would have had the time to do any colouring in but it is uplifting to use the C S Lewis book with all the wise sayings for that purpose. Who knows what tomorrow may bring but I trust it all to Christ and I cannot worry too much as I am busy colouring in!

February 25 at 11:02 PM 

Sharon Yarr shared a post.

February 26 at 9:57 PM

Dear Friends
I can’t keep up with all your amazing good wishes and warm loving support! I am truly carried along on a cloud of love and grace beyond measure. I am so deeply thankful for all the loving support I am basking in. I started today with a dear friend arriving to do my my makeup after I managed to get myself washed and cleansed. Then the Methodist chaplain called to pray with me. More dear friends came with little token flowers of beauty to behold and outside the sky was blue and so beautiful.

Roy and Rosemary Millar who are two of our oldest friends visited me and showed me a copy of a new book about the Gospel of John. I have tried to encourage Roy to write this book and I have tried to get credible endorsements for it. I was moved to tears to hear that it has finally reached the stage of coming to print! It is called COME AND SEE. Roy Millar has an incredible insight into the book of John. Because I have previously read a draft of the book I am excited for everyone who will get the chance to read it.

I had numerous visitors all afternoon which was energising as usual. Peter thinks I have too many callers but I love seeing everyone who visits. This is balanced by having only Peter each evening and I can reflect on the day. I know that dying is meant to be hard and facing loss is not easy but I have no stress whatever. Each day is a fresh adventure and I would love everyone who faces death to have the same experience.

Today I did not decline in health except for my legs getting bigger and any movement at all is very hard. Just getting to the toilet is a challenge. The doctors found more fluid in my abdomen and 4 litres were removed and right now a further 2 litres are being removed. Three days ago there was no fluid but I hardly feel any difference in my swelling despite all this drainage. The hope is that it will improve the blood circulation to my legs which will reduce the swelling. However I still am alert and very happy to be alive to enjoy such a varied and interesting life.

February 27 at 10:30 PM

I forgot to mention yesterday that I got my third dose of chemotherapy. Like the other two doses it was a non event which is why I forgot. However today I got my first mouth ulcers which come along with the chemotherapy! On a positive note I have had swelling on the right side of my neck which is subsiding now. Again it is thought to be chemotherapy related. Tonight I am being drained again and this helps the swelling getting out of hand.

Michael and Jonathan have arrived tonight along with Kristina to spend a long week end here. I have no idea what they have told their employers to get all this time away from work but it is yet one more blessing for me.

Today my consultant doctor saw me after a 2 week break. She was pleased with how I looked compared with 2 weeks ago. Peter was a little unsure about this assessment as he thought I looked very well 2 weeks ago. I needed a little extra pain relief but unfortunately it made me fall asleep when I had a visitor hoping to have a chat. Doctors think the pain was caused by taking too much fluid earlier today or taking it too quickly. Despite all the fluid and swelling in my legs I was able to walk once along the corridor and I keep moving my feet in bed to help the circulation.

My mind is very busy working out all the possessions I have and who to give them to. I have already passed on my wedding ring and another special ring. However my fingers feel bare so I think I need a cheap replacement. So Rachael is getting me a wedding band and engagement ring from marks and Spencer tomorrow. It will be nice to have fresh bling!

I have had a lovely time tonight with Michael looking at precious videos he took of us together last week when the family all visited me (minus Zach unfortunately) and I will post some of them as they bring back such happy memories of dear Smelie. She is beyond precious to me and an amazing gift from the the Lord to me!

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February 27 at 10:33 PM

Tomorrow morning I will be having Stephen, Jonathan and Kristina and Michael with me and it will be a very special time when they are together as it is hard to get them all together so I hope you don’t mind if I don’t have visitors until lunchtime as I want time with the 3 boys together. Thank you. Xxx

February 28 at 10:11 PM 

Last night I had a good nights sleep once again. The nurses came and gave me a thorough shampoo and conditioner and it was such a reviving tonic for me. I was then made up by my lovely friend who comes like a ministering makeup angel to me nearly every morning. Then my darling family arrived to greet me. The physio managed to get in quick to get me up and walking- don’t like to see her but it is always rewarding- no pain no gain haha!! 
Then my mum and Clive arrived and I was delighted to see her as she had the pleasure of being here with me and Clive and her 3 grandsons all in one place together. You will understand the significance of that as it is a miracle that God had brought about in the midst of this family difficulty.rachael arrived in the afternoon and and we had one blessing after the other. So lovely to see our dear Kristina who had had been suffering all week with chronic appendicitis She thankfully is doing well on antibiotics and hopefully will not need surgery in the short term.

I have a new project today. Every Wednesday afternoon I looked after a 9 year old boy who suffers from DS. He loves seeing me and we have our own routine every week. He attends a special school and he talks about me coming to collect him to the extent that the other kids think that I am collecting them also. He cannot understand how I have vanished even though he has seen me on FaceTime. He has some favourite songs that I will record each day on video and send them to him. He also adores video of my grandchildren which he watches over and over when we are together. He will have his own library to look at after I am gone. Very exciting!

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March 1 at 9:54 PM

When I woke up this morning I began my new routine with my CD player sitting on my hump, my sleeping mask somewhere on the bed that I cannot reach, my saliva spray tightly gripped in my hand and the light above my head full on. I must have fallen asleep that way. It was 5.30am and the nurses came in and measured my blood pressure etc. Then I fell asleep again and woke up again at 9.00am. The late hour created a panic as I had to get washed quickly as Rosemary was coming as she does every morning to put on my make up and blow dry my hair. However before that I need to get my moisture cream on my face.

The nurses love coming into the room due to the smell of lemongrass which is always here. I also have other aromatherapy oils to keep the room as pleasant as possible. Today I then had more pain than usual and fell asleep around mid day after getting extra pain relief and woke up at about 5.30pm. My first thought was here we go again with the routine until I realised it was the evening. However I was very well rested and worked out what had happened. Strangely I am not dreaming at all. Apparently morphine can cause strange dreams but definitely not in my case!

When I woke up Michael and Jonathan came in with Kristina and left shortly afterwards for a meal in a new restaurant called Jumon. He went there last week with Peter and they loved the food. I still have a fascination with food and would just love to go there but I am counting on heaven having its own version of that restaurant or similar. I love talking about food even though i cannot eat a single bite. There is constant discussion about what meals Peter could cook when I am not here and that is always a laugh.

March 2 at 9:10 PM 

I have had such a lovely day today. I awoke at 7.00am and dozed until rosemary came with a friend and did my make up to set me up for the day.

Two friends arrived bearing a wonderful gift of the photo taken in the treatment room of the Ulster Hospital A&E department of me we with all three of our sons. That was my introduction to hospital life on Jan26 this year. Our boys are saying that although this is the hardest thing they have had to face it is also the deepest time we have spent together and we are all very close. The same is true for our two foster daughters. While I would not wish this journey with cancer on anyone we have had hours of reliving past joys and challenges. Today the boys and Kristina, Jonathan’s fiancé, wanted to know exactly how we met and when we fell in love and how we stayed in love. That produced many laughs!

As I face the prospect of very little time left in this world I have a profound sense of satisfaction with life as it is today. I believe the love of God for me expresses itself through family ,friends,many cards and the care of the nursing staff in the cancer centre. Although suffering from cancer I am calm ,at peace and in no way feeling deprived. Actually I have a deep sense of inner wellbeing which is totally stable. I do not need to pretend to be happy as every day I find so many good things to be happy about.

March 3 at 9:39 PM

Today began with a good shower and a hair shampoo. I had trouble getting out of bed which has been a trend. A blood test was taken and I got the results in the evening. Two friends came and read one of my fathers sermons which I had previously published. Another friend and ex piano student played the lyre beautifully. Kristina did my make up and this always gives me a lift.

Another friend came and gave me a book by Tim Keller on the biblical book of Proverbs. After a rest I then saw family and in the evening my project was to record a song for Jayden who has DS since he loves the earlier song I recorded for him.

A doctor called with the results of the blood test and the result showed elevated markers for infection although I feel quite well. The suspicion is that my bowel has perforated but it is not confirmed. The doctors are trying to rule out everything else as a perforation would mean there would be very little time left. Jonathan,Michael ,Peter and Kristina were with me when I got the blood results and I was able to comfort them by sharing again my faith and total confidence in the wonderful future that awaits me.

My brother has now arrived and Stephen is coming shortly so we are actually having a lovely time together. Today my mother’s wedding ring turned up and that is a great relief for me as I wanted to give it to Kristina.

If this my last blog I want to thank everyone for their love expressed in many kind messages and prayers for me. They have been answered as I and the family have been carried along on a tide of love and support. Although there have been many tears we have had a very deep time of sharing and and I am ending this life in the best way possible.

March 3 at 10:44 PM 

Hi it’s Mike here, I am with Mum who is sleeping now. We got the results back from the X-ray and there are no definitive indications of a perforated bowel. Whilst this is positive news, the doctors have concerns about the extent of the elevated infection markers in her bloods i.e. there could still be a small perforation. Mum is positive as always and has no fear of death. We are so blessed that we get to be her family and we love her beyond words.

March 4 at 10:40 PM 

I slept well last night although I was coughing at times so this morning I got help from a nebuliser. Last night I thought the end was near as it seemed that my bowel had perforated but I am not showing any of the side effects of that. I do have a serious infection and the current best guess is that the fluid which is surrounding my stomach is infected due to the drainage. As a result the chemotherapy tomorrow is cancelled.

Today I have been tired due to the extra morphine. I fell asleep mid afternoon and woke at 6.30pm and when I saw the clock I thought I was wakening up in the morning. I was delighted to find that I still had the evening to look forward to. I think that I need more time to myself during the day and the staff think I have too many visitors. Perhaps visitors could come between 2.00pm and 4.00pm each day and not stay too long. I love visitors but I have to be realistic about my energy too.

Despite not being well I still enjoyed today and again I need to mention the care of the nurses and doctors. Jonathan and Michael went back home as it seems that I am now not expected to die immediately. I want to make the best use of every day I have left although talking is more difficult due to the morphine and my weakness. My makeup is however good thanks to my lovely friends. Inside I feel as strong as ever and nothing that I am losing each day can take away from my faith. I would love everyone to share my faith and live life to the full. That is the title of one of the books of my fathers sermons I published.

Finally I have not been able to type for 3 days due to poor coordination with my fingers so I have told peter what to write for me. I can manage a short text but not more.

March 5 at 12:58 PM

Sharon is not feeling up to having any visitors today. She would appreciate if no one calls up to the hospital as she needs time to rest

March 6 at 1:09 PM

Hello everyone. I’m here. I’m here.
I am doing ok and am surrounded by my boys and Rachael and Kristina.

I am very comfortable, but very weak. I would like to share my favourite video after Michael returned to Glasgow earlier this week.

Lots of love to you all
(Written by Jonny)

March 6 at 5:50 PM 

Jonny Yarr‎ toSharon Yarr

Hello everyone. There is nothing significant to report from the update earlier. 
I just want you all to know that I have read the back-log of messages to Mum and whilst she is weak, she is fully capable of hearing the messages and responding verbally.
Please rest assured that even though she may not have replied, she has heard your messages and they have had an incredible impact on her (and on the rest of us).
Knowing my mum as I do, I shouldn’t be surprised at the outpouring of love for her, and yet I am truly overwhelmed. Thank you all so much. xx

March 6 at 8:15 PM

I had a good nights sleep having already slept most of the evening. I have had an infection and the chemotherapy was cancelled yesterday because of it. This morning the antibiotics have begun to work and I can function much better now. Jonathan and Michael have come back as they were concerned that I was very ill and Eve is coming back at the weekend.

Earlier today Jonathan and Rachael read from my father’s collection of sermons that I had published after he passed away. Jonathan read one on ‘The Resurrection’ and Rachael read a sermon on ‘Heaven’. These inspire and comfort me.

I had a hallucination this morning when I thought there was a puddle like a gel sitting on my lap. Everyone was discussing what it was but Rachael took action and wiped it up and that solved my problem. She is also wonderful at massaging my feet and ankles.

I have less energy now due to the infection and the progression of the cancer. However tonight I had a real highlight when my 5 year old granddaughter FaceTimed me from Scotland. She is a real friend to me and she took the phone to a private place so that we could have a personal chat to avoid her noisy younger brother.

I have just listened to beautiful music by Chopin who is my favourite composer. It makes me cry and reminds me of beauty and the reality of heaven which awaits me. I know I will go to sleep soon and waken up to be with Jesus and it will be like coming home finally. It will not so much be a journey somewhere new but a homecoming.

I feel at home surrounded by my family but it will be even more like home then. Eternity is very real to me and I am having Michael read some of the Psalms to me which are my favourite readings to turn to at difficult times. Overall I am still calm on the inside and full of expectation despite great weakness in body.

March 7 at 8:09 PM

I woke up after a good nights sleep and had a hot cloth to wash my face. I don’t need to go to the bathroom as I have a catheter now. Two nurses washed me in the bed to prepare me for the day. Then my makeup artist, Kristina, arrived with 3 sons, daughter Rachael and my brother Clive and his wife ,Fiona. They brought my mother and we had a tea party. Clive brought vintage tea party music. This was such fun for everyone. We had a vast variety of party food and I loved watching everyone eat the food. Although I cannot eat anything I still love the smell of it.

My brother, Clive, brought his funkiest set of ties for the chaps to get into character for the party. We so loved the time which transported us to a happy place and I am incredibly grateful to my sister in law, Fiona, for organising it and making the delicious food.

Jonathan read another of my fathers sermons and I will post it later as it means so much to me. At this time when I have lost so much I continue to draw comfort from the truth of my fathers teaching. I feel that I am defying cancer and death by my life and faith in Christ.

March 8 at 11:39 AM 

Jonathan read to me the sermon below, which is from the third collection of sermons that my dad preached. The book is called, ‘Pilgrims – on a journey in company’.

This particular sermon is called, ‘a Cloud of Witnesses’. When Jonathan read it to me, I realised again how amazing my dad’s sermons are and I really really would endorse you reading it. In particular, it addresses the power of faith when facing death, which is exactly what I am facing now.

Click link to read sermon: https://www.facebook.com/sgyarr/posts/2154842064598361

March 8 at 7:03 PM

Rebecca toSharon Yarr

I’m so grateful to you Kate for taking this beautiful photo of Jadon & Sharon at Bethany’s wedding in November. Sharon, we love you, & are praying for you constantly. Thank you for all that you mean to our family❤️

March 8 at 10:14 PM

After another good nights sleep the nurses helped to wash me down. My special chair and Zimmer are gone so the rest of my life will be spent in this bed. However I am comfortable and well medicated but my lips and mouth are dry and I need to keep on top of that.
Today I received more cards which was lovely. As usual I saw the family and I loved talking about the party yesterday. It has given me such a lot of fun. Although I was tired it was a happy day and the staff were attentive and met all my needs.

The main event was a discussion with the doctor about death. The doctor wanted to know if I was happy to drift off to sleep and to not know much about it. I said that I was happy to face death in my right state of mind. I said I had no fear of death and would like to know if it was happening to me but I did not want unnecessary pain either. She said my approach was unusual as most people want to drift off quietly. She said I could change my mind if necessary but I am slightly curious to know how I will feel. The morphine is giving me few side effects but I may need more in the days ahead especially since I have said I want no more chemotherapy.

I said that there is no point in keeping me here for no health reason as I will never get better and I have had all the time I need with family and friends. I also said that I am not clinging on to life as I am going to a better place. My life is complete and I feel satisfied.

Below I am all ready for bed and make up off for the night!

March 9 at 8:23 PM 

I slept very well last night, yet again. But I’m really looking forward to eating as well as sleeping and I would like to go to Heaven as soon as possible. But there are a few things I still have to do. I want all of Dad’s books of sermons to be available in hardback as they are currently only available in paperback. This is important to me and I don’t want to leave it unfinished. I also want to make them available for free on Kindle edition as I just want them to be available for everyone. My son’s have been reading them to me and I’ve been made aware again how they are a great legacy and can have such a positive influence on the world.

Stephen arrived first this morning and repositioned my bed so that I could look directly out the window at Cave Hill and admire the snow-capped hills. Psalm 121:1 – I lift my eyes up to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Meanwhile, back at home some close friends were helping Rachael and Kristina to clear out my cupboards. This is a tremendous relief as it means Peter won’t have to do this after I pass on. They made this a lovely celebration with another tea party with cakes, scones, brownies and many other treats. I was sent some videos of this which warmed my heart. It makes me very happy to share my belongings with my close friends and experience the joy of giving. It is more blessed to give than to receive.

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My dear mum was at the hospital for a long time today. She brought a photo album of my childhood in Zimbabwe. Kristina commented on the striking resemblance between my granddaughter, Amelie and me when I was the same age. I was really flattered.

The mother of my two wonderful foster daughters came today to say goodbye and to thank me for looking after Eve and Rachael, which was deep and very emotional. We have always had a very good relationship.

I have a terribly dry mouth due to the medication and also as I cannot consume much water orally. So I have been using a synthetic saliva spray to provide some relief. I had quite a shock when I accidentally sprayed my hand moisturising cream in my mouth instead!! What a horrible taste of chemicals and it took a long time to wash it out.

We had a FaceTime conversation with Kristina’s family in Mexico. It was very humbling to hear the beautiful things that they expressed to me. Her father, Sean tried to remember a song that he wrote to come to terms with the death of his own brother. I love Kristina’s family very much. They are a very kind, loving family and I am delighted that they will be joined to our family.

March 10 at 7:40 PM 

The main thing on my mind today is that I have been able to give away my clothes to friends without Peter having to be involved. There was a party atmosphere in our home despite the very sad circumstances. It was bittersweet for all concerned and Peter was moved to tears when he saw my joy in watching a video of the girls speaking to me from the house.

Today my niece came from Berlin to see me and I have had the pleasure of seeing Eve our other foster daughter yesterday and today. She and Rachael massaged my legs for a long time yesterday. Yesterday stephen had the great idea of moving the bed to face out the window so that I could see Cave Hill. Today I did the same thing again. Apparently this has never been done before but I cannot imagine why.

I had a brief FaceTime with Jadon although he was not on his best singing voice despite wearing a scarf of mine which he is quite attached to.

At this moment I have my diffuser running giving a lovely aroma and Eve and Rachael are starting to massage my legs and feet. I think my legs are about 3 times as big as usual with the fluid retention. It is not as uncomfortable as it should be as I seem to respond well to increased morphine today. I am close to death but I also am having a lovely time with family. I never fail to be moved by the messages of love and support. Everyone should do the same in future for people in the same situation as me.

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March 11 at 8:54 PM

This is Peter as Sharon is tired this evening having not slept well last night. The problem arose due to a blockage in the tube which delivered the nutrition and the medication. That resulted in not enough pain relief getting through and this morning she told the doctor that she did not want any further nutrition nor any antibiotics as it was her time to leave this earth and to go home. I was part of that conversation and she spoke with great clarity and conviction.

She wants tomorrow to be the final farewell to her 3 sons, 2 foster daughters and husband. Michael is flying back from Glasgow for that gathering. She is totally at peace and has no fear of the future. I doubt if the rest of us will be as calm tomorrow as we have no words to begin to express the loss Sharon will be to us.

Each day she still gets her makeup on and tries to be a good hostess to everyone who comes into the room although her voice is very weak and she tires easily. However her mind is clear for the most part despite increased morphine today. The one thing which does not change is the passion she has to be sure that every single item she possesses is given to the most suitable person. The house is virtually empty of her possessions and that is mission accomplished for Sharon.

I doubt if she will be able to post much in future but you can be certain if it is possible to do so then she certainly will.

March 12 at 11:23 PM

Mike Yarr‎ toSharon Yarr

Hi everyone, this Sharon Yarr’s youngest son Mike. I just wanted to let you all know that we had a really special family time with Mum today. Whilst Mum is becoming more confused, her warmth and affection are still in abundance. She isn’t well enough to do her usual daily posts but I wanted you to know that she is still with us and we look forward to spending more quality time with her tomorrow. Every moment with Mum is precious beyond words, but she said today that she is now ready to go to heaven. We do not have much time left and will cherish every moment.

Love Mike

March 14 at 9:05 PM

Mike Yarr‎ toSharon Yarr

Hi Everyone, we woke today not sure whether Mum (Sharon Yarr) would be alive or dead. We took her eye mask off and her eyes slowly opened wide and she whispered clearly and immediately, “it’s a beautiful day, it’s a beautiful day”. This was incredible because we hadn’t heard her complete a full sentence in almost 24 hours.

The family were all here and in the morning she was able to clearly express her love for everyone. Sometimes the word ‘yes’ was substituted for a tight squeeze of the finger and the message was very clear.

As the day wore on, communication became more and more challenging. Her brother, Clive, and Nana joined the immediate family. We listened to tapes of Mum as a 12 year old sending messages from Zimbabwe back to her Granny in N Ireland. She was talking excitedly to her Dad on the recording about her wide variety of dresses and her recent hair cut in an angelic Zimbabwean accent. This was entirely new to us and was utterly adorable.

Mum seems comfortable now and is sleeping. We pray for a restful night.

All my love,

Mike

March 15 at 10:13 PM

This is Mike using Mum’s phone. It is with a heavy heart that I tell you that Mum passed away this evening. We are immensely proud of the woman that she was and the life she lived. Mum overflowed with love throughout her entire life and gave abundantly with joy.

As a family we have been blown away by the response to mum sharing her journey on Facebook. She initially did it simply to inform friends about how she was doing but it transformed into an inspiring story that has touched many people.

We are the lucky ones that we got to be her family but we are so sad to say goodbye.

Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. Mum was so encouraged by everyone’s incredible support and whilst it didn’t make the pain go away, it was lovely to be in it together.

We will let you know when we decide details about the memorial service.

I have included a photo of Mum from the 19th January 2019 at her brother’s birthday party, just 2 days before her diagnosis.

All my love…and then heaps more,

Mike